Throwback Thursday - Would you prefer maggots?

It was during the era of Mandyland described below that I like to believe Polly was born.  I was in a seriously negative place emotionally and it ended up knocking enough sunshine and sparkles off my eternal optimist to make her tolerable.



Image courtesy of Lynn Kelley Author



Below is a piece I wrote during the struggle.  

"Lately, I’ve been trying really hard to hold onto my positivity.  I’m a born optimist.  I won the Spirit Award at my high school, and was always the member of my team cheering “We can do it!”  Lately, though, I feel that little optimist inside me dying.  A rollercoaster of ups and downs that have left Little-Miss-Optimist reeling and about to wheeze out her final death rattle, and in anticipation of her death, like a vulture, my internal pessimist is circling.  Little-Miss-Pessimist is closing in and boy oh boy is she CRANKY!

You know those people on Facebook whose status updates proclaim, “Love my life”, or “So blessed”?  They feel so happy and  lucky and thankful that they need to share their gratitude with the world.  

Well, Little-Miss-Pessimist HATES them. Seriously, she wants to punch them in the face and then ask,

“How much do you love your life now?”

Recently, I picked up a bit of on-the-side work for my brother-in-law, requiring me to go through 4 ½ years of paperwork and make note of certain transactional details.  He is paying a VERY nice hourly wage, I can work on it from home (thus eliminating the need for childcare) and it’s the extra income we need right now.

Hooray! Maybe a reprieve for Little-Miss-Optimist?  Just the booster shot of happiness she needs?

Nope, Little-Miss-Pessimist is too strong and the details of the job are delicious fuel for the likes of her.  This job has got to be the most mind numbingly boring gig I’ve EVER had.  Permanent blindness is sure to occur from this project.  I’ve worked 14 hours so far and I’m not even a quarter of the way through.  

Little-Miss-Optimist says, “Hooray, you’re going to make some great bank from this job!”  

Little-Miss-Pessimist says, “I’d rather eat glass!”

Taking a break from the stacks of horrible paperwork, I took my little girl to the park, and while chatting with a one of the other moms she told me her cats had ended up bringing fleas into the house, and ever since the battle against the tiny pests started she couldn’t stop itching.  As she finished her story, Little-Miss-Optimist reared up to offer the following consolation.

While living in Guam, everyone I knew battled against the same innocuous pest.  The common House Fly.  While the battle against the pests raged on I heard a horror story that left my skin crawling.  A couple had bought their dog one of those giant chew bones that last forever, and their dog LOVED his new treat.  He carried it around the house everywhere with him, showing off to visitors and pranching around with glee.   

The dog's masters would smile sweetly at their fury little companion, so pleased he loved their gift, and content in the knowledge that they were the best furparents EVER. 

If only they had known there was a stowaway in the dog’s bone.

See, an adult fly had found the bone the perfect safe and cozy place to lay its eggs.  So, as the sweet dog carried his favorite item around the house, he was unwittingly spreading the eggs everywhere, where they settled into the carpets, and being just as safe and cozy as in the bone, eventually hatched. 

The Result?  Every surface in the small home was infested with wriggling dirty disgusting MAGGOTS!!!

An urban legend? Maybe.

Gross? Um, that goes without saying.

Finishing the story, and ignoring the look of horror on the other woman’s face, my Little-Miss-Optimist took a nice deep breath and gave Little-Miss-Pessimist a swift kick in the pants.  The story was a reminder that even if things seem as bad they could get, they could always get worse.

Because which would you prefer?  Fleas or Maggots?

A little ray of sunshine to brighten whatever pile of crap you are currently dealing with,

Mandy:)"

And with that Polly’s tagline was born.

Crap, fleas, maggots and sunshine, because sugar and spice were just so cliche!

MORE! MORE!

Throw Back Thursday – Yuck it Up

Image courtesy of Lynn Kelley Author

A little over 2 years ago, I was one of about a million people DESPERATELY trying to rejoin the workforce during the worst economic decline since the depression.  As a distraction and challenge (and because Jessica Made Me Do It) I decided to start a blog, and in a fit of EXTREME creativity I called it Mandyland.

Watch out world, I’m a genius.

This is one of the first entries I ever wrote.  My pain, here for your amusement!  ENJOY!

It had been a week since I had last been rejected and I was taking it as confirmation of my worst fears.  I had zero job skills, was completely devoid of personality and was destined to spend the rest of my days as a Wal-Mart Greeter, and to add injury to insult, I was getting sick.  It was while I was laying on the couch feeling seriously sorry for myself, indulging in Kleenex and hot tea, that the phone rang and the proceeding nightmare began.  A firm I had applied to a few days earlier wanted to conduct a quick over-the-phone interview.

Quietly clearing the 50 year old smoker from my throat, and attempting to clear up the river of mucus flowing from my nose, I dragged my butt off the couch, turned on the personality, and proceeded to answer her questions.  Somehow, I pulled it off because she asked me to come in the next day at 4:00 pm for an interview.

Rule #1 in the Job Hunting Handbook: ALWAYS SAY YES!

“Mrs. Allen, would you be available for a skills test tomorrow at noon?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Mrs. Allen, would you mind running through our company obstacle course, so we can evaluate your problem solving skills?”

“Oh, how fun!  I’d love to!”

“Mrs. Allen, could we please have a sample of your DNA so we can clone you, and get two employees for the price of one?”

“Wow, what a great idea!  Here, let me help you with that cotton swab.”

After assuring the woman on the phone that 4:00 pm would not be a problem, and scrambling for last minute childcare, I felt pretty good, for about a nanosecond.  Then the adrenalin wore off and I started feeling sick.  Actually, I started feeling REALLY sick.  My cold symptoms were rapidly mutating into flu like symptoms.  Nauseous and head pounding my husband sent me to bed.

The next day I felt like death warmed over.  The headache was gone, but my throat felt like sandpaper, my nose was stuffed solid and I was bone tired.  Steering my body toward the couch I tried for a bit of rest before I had to leave.  At about noon I hauled my mouth breathing, hacking, and mucus filled body upstairs to make myself presentable.  Reaching for my hairbrush I glanced in the mirror to find my face was COVERED in a red, raised, hive-like rash!  In horror over my face, I leaned in to get a better look only to find the biggest most disgusting zit of my life growing out of the side of my neck.

I’m NOT exaggerating, this zit was big! Think bug bites, chicken pox, boils!  Seriously, it looked like it was alive!

So, why not just call and reschedule, right?  They would have understood.

ARE YOU CRAZY!?!?

This was a job interview!  An invitation so difficult to obtain in this economy that short of Armageddon, you suck it up and go!

River of blood?  Get a boat.

The sun is blotted out?  Get a flashlight.

Plagues of pocks and boils?  Welcome to my world.  Slap on some makeup and get in the car!

Alright, so off to my interview I go!  Three hours of sleep, breathing through my mouth, sounding like a lifelong smoker, a hideous rash all over my face, and a zit on the side of my neck the size of Jupiter.  Yes siree, I’m feeling confident and ready to rock!

Or maybe someone could just shoot me and put me out of my misery!

I dug deep!  I spent the intervals between questions drinking tea, and discreetly coughing or wiping my nose, while simultaneously trying not to wipe off the makeup covering the pestilence on my face, and in the end my effort was rewarded.  The interviewer loved me and I was invited back Monday to meet with the President and VP of the company.

Yay, a happy ending, right?!  The moral of the story, overcome any obstacle and you will be rewarded!

Well, not really.  All that and I by the end of the next week I’d received another rejection for my troubles.

The butt of an ongoing universal joke,
Mandy:)

Except, in the end the universe actually DID get the last laugh.  Not 3 months later I got a call from this same company.  The position had become available again, and the next day I was hired.  It’s been my Day Job for the last 2 years.

I’m sure the Universe felt the whole incident was character building…

But I’m pretty sure she’s just a vindictive bitch!

MORE! MORE!

It's a Joy-ish Life

The other day Jessica and I were diligently working away on our plans for global domination new business opportunities, when across from me, I heard a stifled giggle.

“Dude, you seriously need to read this!”

Coming around our partner desk to see what new source of procrastination inspiration she had discovered, I found what I’m sure was intended as a self-help article written by a by person claiming to be a Joyologist.

*Insert gaging noise* Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Honestly, I applaud those trying to spread positivity and encourage others to live a healthier and more fulfilled life, and I also think that outside-the-box job titles are rad, but seriously???? A JOYOLOGIST?!?!?

THE MADNESS HAS GOT TO STOP!!!!!

Listen closely people. Life is not, nor should it be, all about JOY!

It’s not a joyfest. There is no joy on tap. It is not a 24/7 joy buffet!

This great big thing we call the human experience is filled with a million more interesting, and considerably more useful emotions besides joy.

For example, what about anger?

Obviously, being angry all the time is not useful, but what about when anger motivates? What about the anger motivated by injustice, waste or plain stupidity that churns in your belly until you can’t stand it any longer. It’s this anger that leads to ACTION! Whether you scream, yell, or complete an entire Kevin Bacon in Footloose, dancing your way through an empty warehouse montage; when you are through your anger will thrust you forward, helping you to fight for your cause.

Non-stop joy does not inspire action, it breeds contentment.

Then, what about fear?

“The call is coming from inside the house!” produces blood-curdling fear, but what about the other type of fear that produces more than the basic flight response. You know that squirming tickle in your gut when you are taking a risk? That’s the type of fear that reminds you that what you are attempting is important, and going to help you achieve greatness. It’s the squirm that propels you to prepare and practice. This fear psychs you up and gets you ready for your next big opportunity.

Non-stop joy does not provide challenge, it maintains the status quo.

Finally, what about sadness?

For just as there is yin and yang, good and evil, and life and death, without sadness there can never be joy. Just as the saying goes, “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone”, sadness reminds us to cherish the things in our lives we love most. As we move through times of sadness and grief, we come out the other side with a deeper sense of gratitude and renewed life purpose.

Without the bad, there can be no good and thus, no joy.

In the long run seeking never ending joy has nothing to do with seeking happiness.  Killing yourself in order to achieve Non-Stop Joy is about seeking perfection.  The perfect, drama-free, everyone-loves-everyone and nothing bad ever happens life.

Um, in case you missed the memo, a perfect life does not exist.

Life can be unfair.  Life can be exhilarating. Life can be a bitch, but no matter what, it's better than the alternative.

So, to all the Joy Junkies out there trying to achieve the impossible Polly says,

STOP!  ARRETEZ!  HALT!

Instead of wasting your time trying to find a legal, non-narcotic way to be blissed out all the time, how about accepting the value of a Joy-ish life.

A glimpse into MY Joyish Life

Believe me, by embracing a Joy-ish existence, you'll actually end up with a life filled with more joy in the long run.

Heh, what can I say, sometimes life can be a little weird like that.

MORE! MORE!

Ponderings

In January I took a writing class. 

Not aimed at teaching style or structure, this class helped me overcome writer’s block, accept less than perfection and most importantly, enjoy writing again.

On the first day of class, our instructor handed each of us a piece of paper with a door on it. The first line on the page read,

“This is the door to a new writing life, waiting to be opened by you.”

Our instructor said, describe the door.

I wrote,

“This door is boring! My door is not brown! It doesn’t look anything like an average door. My door is exciting. My door has polka dots and glitter. Behind my door, Achievement, Accomplishment and Success are enjoying Mocha Lattes and fresh chocolate chip cookies. My door is begging me to open it!”

I know with 100% certainty that this reaction was Polly’s. My alter ego has always believed I am sassy, creative and unique. Polly is the force deep down inside me, who throws caution to the wind.



Sometimes Polly's ideas take over and ooze to the surface:)

She whispers,

“How about lime green eye shadow!” 

and

“You could totally pull off Fire engine red highlights!”

and

“I think it’s time you got something pierced!”

Polly believes I'm an edgy, unique, badass artist. Polly can’t wait to open the door and RUN through to the other side with a bottle of wine and screaming, “Let’s get this party started!”

I often wish Polly was in charge.

If Polly was in charge, the door would never be closed in the first place. The door is occasionally closed because sometimes I’m scared.  

I’m scared if I open the door reality might sneak in. My dream bubble might burst. Achievement, Accomplishment and Success might tell me to get lost because only cool badass artists get to have Mocha Lattes and eat fresh chocolate chip cookies, and I am clearly an uncool boring poser.  

Sometimes, I think we all live too much under the fear of the "What Ifs", instead of listening to the inner voice screaming "What the Hell!"

Sometimes, I get up the nerve to throw the door wide open, but I think the handle might be stuck.

Or maybe, Polly has the key.

MORE! MORE!

Failure is my Bitch

So far, in my young life I have failed A LOT.

I’ve failed tests, I’ve failed classes, I’ve failed diets, I’ve failed interviews, I’ve failed business attempts and I’ve failed personal challenges.   

Sometimes I’ve failed by just a little bit. 

Other times I have fallen on my face so spectacularly that it took almost a full 10 count before I could get back up.

That is, when I did get back up. 

Unfortunately, there have been lots of times when I just gave up.

With many an excuse and justification, I convinced myself it wasn’t worth the effort to try again.

Do any of these sound familiar?

“I haven’t trained in a week, it’s too late to start again now, maybe next year.”

“I haven’t updated my blog in 2 weeks, I guess I’m not cut out to be a writer after all.”

“I cheated on my diet 4 times today, I might as well just give up and order a pizza. Maybe I’ll try and start again next month.”

Knowing we won’t have to face Failure again, isn't it so much easier to just give up? 

I’ve been thinking about Failure a lot lately. As I inch ever closer to beginning the 32nd year of my life, I’ve got A LOT going on.

I’ve started Polly, I’ve partnered in business with my best friend, and I’ve committed to a few really big projects.

I’ve got lots of big plans, even bigger goals, and almost astronomical dreams and as I plot and plan and set goals for my success, I can see Failure just around the corner.

With a  face full of smug satisfaction, he’s waiting for me. Knowing we will rendezvous very soon, in situations both big and small. With our history firmly in mind, he can’t wait to assert his mastery over me. Sure that I am his slave, he can’t wait to disrupt my momentum, destroy my dreams and drink in my self-loathing.

Failure is a sadist and he knows I am the perfect mark.

There is no way to avoid Failure. I know as I work towards achieving my goals we will meet again and again, but this time he will not have his way.

This time around I WILL succeed. I’ve got my Big Girl Panties on, and I’m not playing around!

Forget “Try, Try Again”, it’s time to GET SHIT DONE!

This time I'm going to punch Failure in his arrogant face and step on his neck as I hurdle towards success.

No whining. No excuses. Think big and make it happen.

This time is different.

This time,

Failure is my bitch!

Join me? #failureismybitch

MORE! MORE!

Live and Learn: A Must Read

Being a completely addicted bibliophile, very rarely can I walk into a book store and leave with ONLY the book I went in to buy.

On my last shopping trip I found this little beauty in the bargain pile, though I can't for the life of me understand why!


The Complete Live and Learn and Pass It On, by H. Jackson Brown, JR.


Written and Compiled by H. Jackson Brown, J.R., this book contains life lessons from people of every age.  Here are a few of my many favorites,

"I've learned that you'll never see a U-Haul trailer behind a hearse." - Age 59

 

"I've learned that if you throw ten socks in the laundry, only nine will come out." - Age 27

 

"I've learned that little boys cannot move about the house without making car sounds." - Age 36

 

"I've learned that a woman who can potty-rain triplets can do anythng." - Age 29

 

"I've learned that there should be an Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not whine." - Age 62

H. Jackson Brown is amazing and has written many great books containing simple daily reminders of life lessons.  Remarking on his books, Jackson has said,

"Most of us know what we need to do to make our lives more fulfilled and useful, but sometimes we forget. My little books are gentle reminders of those simple things which, if done well and in a spirit of love, can significantly change our lives."

Well ain't that the truth!

What little life lessons have you learned so far?



MORE! MORE!